I am a woman. I am a transgender woman.  I am a non traditionally transgender woman.

I have often joked that I am a tomboy born in a boys body. I don’t despise being a little butch. I am not completely uncomfortable with my body the way it is. In fact, with my recent weight loss, I have been so happy that I have been able to make my body more feminine without hormones.

At this point in life, I have chosen a unique path. I don’t feel that I need to head down the normal transition path (hormones, surgery), so I’ve chosen to do things differently. I have been doing hair removal, and more recently fitness stuff, but besides that I haven’t gone out of the way to change my body. I have, to some extent, socially transitioned, with regards to a lot of people calling me Em, and using female pronouns, but even with some family and friends I don’t push it on that.

I am a people pleaser. And that fact has it’s good and bad.  

I use other people as an excuse to have fear over expressing myself.

Ya see, in my ideal world I could switch from androgynous to girly girl from day to day, but I don’t live in an ideal world. And it sucks.

Dysphoria really fucking sucks. I hate it. With a passion. I am constantly thinking about gender. Constantly analyzing everything. Constantly wishing that things were different. I don’t need to be on hormones, and don’t need to present super femme to be comfortable, but then I get stuck living as a male in the eye of society. The eye of god damn society is where my big problem lies. I want people to perceive me the same way that I understand myself in my heart. I want people to know that I am a woman. 

My non traditional ( i would even venture to say genderqueer) expression and lack of desire to medically transition constantly runs up against this desire to have people know who the real me is.

This last fall, I almost took a job where I would have been able to present as female full time. I was so damn excited. Then I got a promotion at my current job, where coming out officially (even though 90% of coworkers already know) seems impractical. I spent most of 2012 job searching, and was so hopeful for a job where my gender expression could be open, but nothing. Now i feel stuck. 

I just want to be me. I want to pursue my own path in being a trans woman, but sometimes that really sucks to do, and really takes a toll on ones emotional health.

the end.